The Fuzz

My facial hair sucks. Its colour is completely disproportionate to my head hair. Usually you’d get away with that eccentric reddish mo or the rugged grey-flecked beard. But no, my face settles for a thinned out blonde that looks deceptively like bumfluff in the end. Just look at it:

Keeping the hair for a film just doesn’t seem like a reasonable excuse when you look that shit.


Snakes on a Loo

There’s a live moth on the floor.

Having animals crawling round the cubicle is just the worst. But it doesn’t come to close to my snake fear. From time to time, I get the notion that a snake is going to slither through the drain and into the toilet bowl, waiting to strike out at… well, I don’t need to explain myself any more than that.

It’s likely never to happen but just imagine if it did. Oh God, the moth’s moving, I’m out of here.

Party Poopers

In the whole time I’ve been blogging on Potty Mouth, my phone’s never been rung whilst on the loo. I think that’s pretty amazing.

Actually, the one time the phone did ring was when I used my girlfriend’s. How is it that the one time I use her phone, it gets rung but mine doesn’t? It’s as if my friends and family know I’ve got important blogging matters to attend to.

Speaking of blogging matters, there are some awful blogs out there. My friends and I have just spent the past half hour flabbergasted by how unoriginal and underwhelming one particular blogger’s efforts were. I know that my blog would leave a lot to be desired in the minds of many but at least I try to be a little unpredictable and more three-dimensional. Sheesh.

The 1st Biannual Potty Mouth Competition

Potty Mouth is coming up on its sixth month anniversary in about a fortnight. To commemorate this, ten lucky readers will receive a limited edition poop-in-a-box, fresh from the dunny. To enter the competition, send your name, address and phone number to and write an answer to the following question in 25 words or less:

If a hyena and a poop fought one another, who would win and why?

Good luck!

DISCLAIMER: Winners will not actually receive poops. I don’t have a good supply of boxes and I don’t know if poops can handle traveling to distant locations. Sorry.

An Apology

At the advice given by my brother, I’ve pulled the latest Two Jay video off YouTube. Though I didn’t see it at the time, the video’s content was perverse and offensive and didn’t get at what I want the series to be about and for that, I am truly sorry.

Though I don’t say much in the video, editing the material together and posting it online makes me wholly complicit in allowing the pretty controversial material from getting out from under closed doors. And that’s just it: the stuff spoken about in the video should be kept far more private. I’m not saying that what was said in the video was totally abhorrent and rarely spoken of – people of our demographic are kidding themselves if they don’t think this kind of nonsensical banter isn’t a staple in the conversations between many members of our generation – but that doesn’t mean it negates the potential to offend certain people.

Perhaps more alarming than anything else is that none of the people who live at college alerted me of the video’s offensive nature. In the college bubble, controversial themes tend to pervade many aspects of our everyday lives and it’s no surprise that some people have become emotionally desensitised by this. Nonetheless, I do not fling blame at these people; the editing and distribution of the video was my doing and if there is any one person whose actions are to be scrutinised, look no further than yours truly.

I imagine some who read this might think I’ve reacted too irrationally to my brother’s criticism; that I’ve dramatised circumstances (I will concede there are far worse and more explicitly offensive videos out there to be seen) but I don’t want to make anyone feel marginalised by a fun little series I decided to make in my college years. Sure, Two Jay has raised eyebrows in the past, but ‘Hypothetical’ brought a different (and far less desirable) mood to the series. It’s time to get back to its clean(ish) fun roots.

Thank Adam, for keeping me grounded.

Exploding Muscles

Can you lose a leg to a corked quad muscle?

My high school P.E. teacher once told me an elite athlete friend of his got hit so hard on the arm by a ball once that his tricep exploded. Never to be unexploded again. Imagine having no tricep. Despite having no tricep, the man continued to have his arm. Nice.

But I feel a exploded quad is something you can’t get away with. My quad is just corked, thank goodness, but if it exploded one day, would the leg have to go with it? I just can’t see someone with a missing quadricep walking around without his dead leg getting in the way of most activities. I shudder to think of this.