Category: Private Times

Cons of a Toilet/Shower Hybrid Bathroom

There’s something terribly unsettling about sitting on a toilet where you can see yourself in the mirror. That’s not the case right now but for some reason I’m reminded of that.

I just become so self-conscious when I see myself squatted over a loo. Can you be voyeuristic of yourself? I think that’s the best way to describe how I feel in that scenario

Oddbodz

The documentary is coming along swimmingly, outfitted with it’s very own opening and theme song (completely free of copyright infringement)!

Did anyone ever own ‘Oddbodz’ cards? These were trading cards that had monsters on them and there were these black spots on the cards you had to rub to reveal some weird/creepy part of their body. I was practically inseparable from my collection, to the point where they featured in family photos (while my brothers wore their school backpacks for their first-day-back photo, my pack of Oddbodz seemed a suitable accessory for me. I think the year previously, my “backpack” was a swimming kickboard).

The Fibre Things in Life

Don’t worry: I’m not dead. It may be around 72 hours since my last post but I’m fine and have been feeling fine the whole time. Internet articles would probably suggest I’ve avoided fibre recently I guess.

But how in God’s name does one avoid fibre? I freaking love bread and can eat it during 1-3 main meals every day. My love for bread extends to sandwich artistry too (I make a mean toasted cheese, ham and tomato sandwich that my family frequently demands) so you couldn’t say in any way that I avoid bread and, by extension, fibre. Maybe it’s all the alcohol I’ve had recently that’s playing havoc with my body (but again, I’ve felt fine). The most depressing thing to come about from the unpredictable pattern of number two’s (poop rule has officially gone out the window though I will NEVER describe my poops to you) is that I have to wait to blog. I have fascinating comments to make about everyday life and they dissipate from my mind because I rarely get to blog about them or I spend my blogging time trying to convince you, the blog viewer, why I am the healthiest of boys in reality!

To be honest, I’ve also been too busy to blog. I could’ve blogged last night but I was at a 21st and that is just not the locale at which to do such a thing.

Someone: Hey Herp, what’dya get up to at Derpina’s 21st?
Me: Not much – listened to awesome speeches, ate pizza and blogged about my bowel.

… A real conversation ender that one.

This is one of my longer posts. Why? I’m back home and the toilet seat is wonderfully comfy and warm in comparison to the college loo that sits closely to a wide-open window. Best exploit awesome toilets when you’ve got the chance, eh?

Happy Mother’s Day!

Hungover (brain can’t think of a good post title)

Let’s get something clear: I’m on my phone when I’m blogging, NOT my laptop. A friend asked me last night how I managed to have my laptop with me on the loo. I’m visualising me on the loo with my laptop and it looks hilarious.

Speaking of the phone does raise an interesting question though: what if I drop it in the basin? Mum’s an advocate of my blog but she said her primary concern is the unscheduled swim my phone could have while writing a post. I think the likelihood of this happening is pretty low – I’ve been pretty cautious ever since I dropped a beloved manual in the toilet (pretty sure it was ‘Donkey Kong Country 2’?).

Severely hungover/still drunk and have to go to uni in 20 minutes. Wish me luck!

Keeping (Ir)regular

Haven’t blogged in a couple of days… is this physiologically healthy?

A friend who follows my blog says she found my posting absence unusual. Ever curious, I decided to find out what constitutes normal bowel movement behaviour. I know I said I wouldn’t talk about poop but I feel we can make an exception here given that it’s people’s health at stake here.

Interestingly, I barely type in a few words before the second search engine suggestion to appear is ‘how often should you poop’ (clearly, people aren’t open enough about their poops in the home). One website suggests that pooping four times a day or once a week is fine – so long as you’re feeling okay. I’d love to roll with this but somehow the thought of a poop rumbling around in my belly for 7 days just isn’t cool regardless of if I’m feeling okay. An unofficial Dr. Oz (that guy who was on Oprah) fan page suggests that the kids are ready for the pool 20 hours after eating. Bit of a discrepancy in statistics here but I reckon I’m okay and quite frankly, I’ve lost interest now.

Mohawk update: the hairdo seems to be relatively well received, particularly by those who get to touch it. Hilariously, student union elections are on and those infuriatingly annoying campaigners who would usually hassle me are yet to approach me after catching a glimpse of my hair (this is made even more hilarious by the fact that I am not a rough and/or tough lad).

Toilet Habits: A Brief History

The title of this post could definitely mislead a few. The toilet habits I refer to are those that occupy my time whilst on the loo. For most, this might be reading newspapers or the posters on the toilet door or texting a mate (calling them if you’ve got little respect for them) or simply nothing at all – maybe you just want to get out of there. Not me. Not then, not now, not ever.

Ever since I can remember, I can associate many a toilet trip with video games. Early on, I’d always have a gaming manual (the 20 or so page booklet that came with the game) with me at the loo. I must have understood this as being socially unacceptable because I distinctly remember stuffing the ‘Donkey Kong 64’ booklet down my pants on my way to the toilet so that my parents didn’t know about my reading material. Needless to say, the awkward waddle probably gave it away.

As I got older, reading about video games wasn’t enough; I had to play them. Many an hour playing ‘Pokemon’ was spent on that cold, white disc of a seat (apparently a bed wasn’t more comfortable?) and mum would promptly notice my absence.

“Haven’t drowned in there?” she’d ask.

“No” I’d reply. “I’m just beating the Celadon City gym leader.”

Nowadays, it’s ‘Plants vs. Zombies’ or some other iPhone app. I’m not alone in this though: I heard someone in this very cubicle playing ‘Temple Run’ the other day.

Toilet Tip #1: Never play iPhone games on the toilet with the sound on. It’s almost as awkward as hearing the ‘Angry Birds’ theme blasting on a tram.

I hope this post’s made something clearer: I created this blog so I could use my time more effectively. Anywho, my bum’s numb. See ya.